Funny Extremism

During one of his (as usual) awesome closing arguments in Boston Legal, Alan Shore asked:

“When did religion get such a good name, anyway? Be it the Crusades, the Reformation genocides, the “troubles” in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, mass slaughters supposedly in the name of Allah, and then, of course, the obligatory reciprocal retribution.”

Religion now has such a bad name that even Buddhism isn’t spared. The wickedly satirical The Onion posted this hilarious article on how a Buddhist extremist cell (yup, you read that right) vows to unleash (hold your breath) tranquility on the West! The group’s leader, Tsuglag Rinpoche, declared:

“In the name of the Great Teacher, we will stop at nothing to unleash a firestorm of empathy, compassion, and true selflessness upon the West… we will bring the entire United States to its knees in deep meditation.”

Criticizing the US for “blatant disregard of karmic balance within the universe”, he vowed that his “soldiers would continue waging a tireless holy war on Western feelings of emptiness and negativity for as long as necessary”. No Western city would be spared:

“From New York City to London, Madrid, and Paris, we will not cease until every major metropolis is left in a state of total nirvana.”

The article then gave some background about the group:

“Kammaṭṭhāna (a radical Mahāyāna Buddhism movement) first came to international prominence in 1997, when five of its members boarded a New York City subway car and held 42 hostages in a state of transcendent serenity for seven hours while performing atonal syllabic chants.”

The group hires young Buddhists around the world “training them in tranquil insurgency tactics at covert monasteries across Eastern Asia.”

Fear not, says the article. Because the (imaginary) US Secretary of Homeland Security, Rand Beers is aware and ready of this threat:

“The danger of total enlightenment is very real. And we must be prepared.”

And he has escalated it to the President:

“At press time, sources confirmed that President Obama has authorized a preemptive strike on Kammaṭṭhāna and deployed a fleet of predator drones to bomb Tibet.”

Do read the entire article for more laughs.