Preparing for her Teen Years

My daughter’s only 8, and if she’s like this now, I shudder to imagine how she will be in her teens. Of course, teenagers have been a dreaded lot (by parents) for ages, as Laurence and Wendy Steinberg write in their book, Crossing Paths:

“The child's entrance into adolescence is often a difficult personal period in the parents' lives—perhaps even more difficult for parents than it is for their children.”

But it was a shock to read from what followed:

“This is not simply because raising teenagers is an arduous task. It is because watching our children mature unearths complicated and intense emotions deep inside us.”

And what are some of those “complicated and intense emotions”?

“The physical blossoming inherent in adolescence provides a cruel contrast to our midlife journey. ... Psychologists note that in middle age there occurs a shift in time perspective in which individuals start measuring their lives in terms of how long they have left to live rather than how long they have been alive.”

Plus, of course:

“Feeling left behind—feeling abandoned—was an important source of distress among many of the parents in our sample. ... Parents who experienced their child's maturation as a loss were grappling mainly with the loss of a role and of the self-definition that accompanies it.”

Come to think of it, it does explain some things:

“Why did so many parents spend so much time grappling with their children over such mundane things as the way they styled their hair or the music they listened to? ... Parents' concerns about adolescent autonomy [often] were concerns about power—or more accurately powerlessness.”

All of which is why the authors’ solution on how to deal better with teenagers is:

“[My response is to] make sure you have genuine and satisfying interests outside of being a parent.”