Forgive and Forget

Forgive and forget. We’ve all heard that advice/saying. I think part of the trouble with that advice is that it is conveyed in a manner which suggests that you are being the bigger person by forgiving and forgetting. But when you feel wronged about something or by someone, do you really give a damn about being the bigger person? If you are honest about it, retribution is what you truly seek. Or if it makes you feel better, you could use euphemisms like “justice”. These lines from the serial, Revenge, capture what most people feel perfectly:

“For the truly wronged, real satisfaction can only be found in one of two places: absolute forgiveness or mortal vindication.”

But even though most people feel that way, they never go down the Vendetta Highway for different reasons: first, there is no Monte Cristo fortune to free someone up to act without caring. In fact the opposite is almost always true: the person most probably still has to interact with the “enemy” because they share the workplace or they are related or live in the same neighbourhood, all of which severely ties their hands.

Even if one is willing to forgive, one gets torn because of this line in a Wall Street Journal article:

“But forgiving also may encourage the transgressor to do it again.”

So, in the end, most of us end up acting the way Grey’s Anatomy describes:

“Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness old scores never settle. Old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is that someday we’ll be lucky enough to forget.”

In other words, we let time heal the wounds. And can only hope that we forget. Not to be a bigger person or anything but simply to avoid reliving the misery, bitterness and anger that comes with the memory.

Maybe they should try selling that “Forgive and forget” line as one meant to keep your happiness: it might find more buyers.